bump bump

When I was pregnant, my dear friend Chelsea Steller did my maternity shoot. It was so special because not only have we been friends since we were little girls, but she also captured our wedding and engagement shoot, and has been so supportive and surrounded us in love in some of our most exciting life moments. It was suiting then, that her and I would galavant around Cold Springs and secret fields and throw together random fabrics to make drapey dresses with. And to celebrate Elsie inside of me. I am late in putting these pictures up, but I think they're even more special to me now... now knowing who my daughter is, and remembering how I wondered what she'd be like and look like when she was still in my womb in these pictures. And how weird it is to look at her now, and remember she was curled up and fit inside of me at one point! Geesh!

 Photos by Chelsea Steller ::  chelseasteller.com

Elsie's Birth Story

April 29th, started like any other normal day. I woke up, looked at my big belly, and got up really fast hoping it would coax my water into breaking. Little did I know....nothing exciting whatsoever would happen that day. 

My whole pregnancy I knew due dates were nothing to set your heart on. Mine was April 23rd, and I was pretty sure I’d go way over that. Sure enough, my due date came and went...and I found myself having to stay very busy to keep distracted every day of the week I went overdue. Thankful for friends who went on adventures with me( and my very large midsection), my husband who kept taking me on dates and walks, and our new house, for it’s crisp white walls that gave me projects to paint while I wasted time. I had no idea “wasting time” would not be something I had the luxury of once our baby girl came. 

: My last day pregnant :

The week after my due date, I tried everything to get things moving along naturally. Long hikes, herbal secrets, and spices galore. And yet, nothing seemed to make a difference. When people found out I was  “past due” they looked at me like the baby was going to fall out at any moment. And I thought, if this is a sign of my daughter’s personality we’re in for a treat. And I can tell you now it was. 

 I woke up Monday, April 30th, exactly a week past my due date, at about seven in the morning, to my first contraction. I lay in bed, relishing the moment, wondering if this was “really it”, because, up until this point, I had had zero signs of impending labor. Jeremy had left early to work at our friend’s ranch that morning, so I hopped in the shower and realized they were definitely coming in a pattern and getting a little bit more intense. Jeremy swung by the house to change before heading into work, but I told him with a big smile “I think we’re having a baby today!”. He hugged me and my big belly tightly and smiled the most proud smile. 

I called my mom to come down from Santa Maria. She, Jeremy, and our Doula were my labor support. At this point my contractions felt like really bad period cramps and I though to myself, “Dang, I must have a really high pain tolerance! I can totally do this naturally. I don’t know what everyone fusses about.” I laugh now, thinking how insanely crazy I was to think that. I had a loooong day of contractions ahead of me!

I labored at home for almost my entire labor. What I loved about it, was that normal life was still going on around me. Jeremy was working from home, my mom was tidying around the house, the neighbors were tinkering away....and I was having a baby. It just felt so natural and normal. I was sitting on the couch, chatting between contractions, and when one would come, I’d fling myself over my birthing ball, and do all the things necessary to get through it. 

I wasn’t going to have my dilation checked because it’s usually never an indicator of how much longer you have, and it can so easily dishearten you. But after an entire day of labor, I asked my doula to come over that afternoon around four and check me. She asked if I wanted to know, and I said yes. I was only at three centimeters. And, of course, your brain kicks into math mode, and I immediately starting calculating how many hours per centimeter it was taking me, and I felt so disheartened! But, in labor, you don’t have time to focus on things for very long. My doula left and said to call her if things turned a corner, and about twenty minutes later Jeremy called and said, “Ummm...I think things turned a corner!”. 

This is when things got crazy. I was making primal noises I didn’t even know I could make. I was in another zone, completely unaware of anything around me. I was completely exhausted. And the contractions, oh the contractions! Jeremy and my mom were incredible at helping me through, getting anything I needed, and encouraging me on. But at this point, I didn’t even feel like myself. Jeremy encouraged me to walk around while leaning on him, knowing everyone said how good that is during contractions, and I begged him not to make me. And of course, once I was up walking, it definitely did help. At one point, we were doing slow laps around the dining room table, and Jeremy said, “Just lean on me, babe”...and out of no where he breaks into song singing Lean on Me, and the entire time I’m thinking is this really happening right now?! Why won’t he shut up. Ok, just let him get through the song. And as he finished, I breathed in a sigh of relief, only to hear him breaking into another song! I looked up at him, through exhausted eyes...and told him to Shutup...now! I thought I said it somewhat politely...but I guess most women aren’t as polite as they think they are during labor. 

My doula checked my cervix after I had “turned the corner” and was now in active labor and she told me I was a four five, progressing beautifully. Jeremy continued to encourage me, embrace me, wipe my forehead.... and he even brought down some of Elsie’s little dresses and hung them through the living room so I could visualize and remember why I was laboring so hard. 

Then....I had to push. Like crazy, nothing-can-hold-me-back need to push! I yelled that to Jeremy and Ronda (my amazing doula) and they looked at me in disbelief because she had only checked me fifteen minutes before. There was no way I had progressed that far. She asked me if I was sure I needed to push, and I yelled YES! She checked me again and I had progressed to a six cm in fifteen minutes. She looked up at Jeremy and very calmly told him we needed to go the hospital....now. She also told me I had to do everything I could to not push in the car. Which is practically impossible. 

Th rest is kind of a huge blur. I remember driving quickly to the hospital, and it had just started raining. We got married in the rain, and I had always hoped Elsie would be born in the rain. We pulled up to the hospital, and one look at me, and they knew there wasn’t time for paperwork or anything. They threw me in a wheelchair and rushed me up to a room. Once up there, the amazing nurses checked me, and I was already at a nine centimeters! Within twenty minutes I’d gone from six centimeters to nine! They didn’t have time for an IV or anything. I was pushing that baby out!

Thankfully they let Jeremy and I go into the birthing tub, which was incredible relief as I continued to push. It absolutely amazed me that my body knew exactly what to do to birth my baby. I wasn’t even thinking, I was just surrendering to what my body was doing and what God made it to do. I felt so calm in the midst of all the craziness. Jeremy let me grab onto his forearms as I squatted and continued pushing, noises coming out of my mouth that I’d never heard before, and my face probably looking like it was going to explode. At one point I said, “ I hope she comes out black!” Which, if you know me, would make sense. 

Then it happened, laying on the bed now (not how had I wanted to deliver), her head started coming out. It was the most surreal thing ever to see in the mirror they rolled over... my daughter’s head, as she tried to make her way into the world. And it was the most amazing thing, as if her and I were in this beautiful partnership, working together for her to come meet us. After two hours of pushing, and absolutely no medical intervention, Elsie Love Sutherland came into the world, and stole our hearts from the minute she took her first breathe. She was born at 11:20pm on April 30th. Forty minutes later and she would have been born in May. She knew what she wanted. 

Seven pounds five ounces of delight. We did it! I have never felt so proud and empowered. I felt like I could do anything. Because of all the natural adrenaline, endorphins, and oxytocin... it felt like an out of body experience. I remember looking at Elsie and being in shock that she was my daughter. I loved it. Being a mama has been the most beautifully hard, rewarding, refining thing of my life. And I wouldn’t trade a second of it. God has drenched us in joy and grace as we have become a family of three and are learning to be good parents. I am so grateful for such an incredible husband, who was my rock, encouraged me, was patient with me... and well, kind of helped make our baby! I’m grateful for my mom who so peacefully knew just how to help. And I’m grateful for my dear doula and all the nursing staff at the hospital. They kept telling me I was a rockstar and supported me in my decision for a natural birth and never pushed anything on me. I’m thankful to God for blessing us with the most amazing little girl. And I’m thankful for Elsie, for showing me a love I’ve never known before. 

We are proud to announce that our baby girl is...

Late...

Today marks three days past my due date. 


As incredibly anxious as we are to meet our little girl, I have felt so much peace as we wait for her. I feel so grateful to have an amazing doula and doctor who are so supportive of letting Elsie take her sweet time, and not to rush her. What a gift... especially in today's culture where we want everything on 'our time' and women are scheduling their inductions at 38 weeks. 

I'll be completely honest though, every few hours my emotions change on the subject, and my patience is like a rollercoaster. Some parts of the day I feel so calm and peaceful, and then other parts I want her here already! I've known that I've had to keep myself very busy though, to stay distracted, soak up this precious time, and rest up before going into labor. 

It's so funny how people look at me when they find out I'm "past due"....as if my water's going to break right that second, or the baby's going to fall out. Some of the best advice our birthing coach gave me was, if you go past your due date (which due dates are so silly anyways) to continue on with ordinary life. Even in early labor, to continue on with ordinary life. So, each day I plan something fun that I get to look forward to, and it has been such a fun week of spontaneous adventures, time with people I love, and getting to do things I won't be able to for a little while. 


Today I had a doctor's appointment and Elsie is looking great and healthy. I never get tired of hearing her heartbeat on the doppler and seeing her cute little body on the ultrasound. Just to keep you all in the loop, my doctor will let me go 12 days post date, before talking induction. So we have until next Sat, May 5th for Elsie to make her debut. And trust me.... I'm trying everything. People always run down the list of things to try, and I laugh and smile....because I've been doing it ALL. 


After my doctor's appointment I had made a special playlist for the car, grabbed a giant (decaf) latte, and headed down in the beautiful rain to visit a dear friend who is also pregnant, due in two weeks with a little boy. We're convinced Elsie and Arlo are going to get married. We putzed around Carpenteria, found some cute little shops and had some fun prego girl time. 


Now I'm going to work on some cute projects around the house, and enjoy the evening with my hot husband!

                                                          


                                                      Tracy and her "Arlo" bump

                                                                         Elsie & Arlo

Letter to my daughter...

To my darling daughter...

Any day now you will come into the world, and change our lives. But to be honest, ever since the day we found out you existed, you have changed our lives. I’ll never forget the feeling of pride and awe when I saw those two pink lines, and an hour later the doctor confirmed it. You were there. I watered the plants outside, waiting for your Daddy to get home...and as I did, it was as if I had this incredible secret that I got to treasure inside of me...and the world didn’t even know yet. I’ll never forget the giddy excitement and unbelievable peace I felt when I told your dad that night that you existed. We celebrated with Sushi. I didn’t know yet that pregnant mamas weren’t supposed to eat sushi. There was a lot I had to learn. 

And so much I have learned, even in these last nine months. You being in my womb has taught me a love like I’ve never known. A nurturing, selfless, deep deep love. And I can’t wait to show it to you in person. It’s also made me understand, just a little bit more, God’s tenacious love for us. I can’t wait to teach you about that love, too. 

I hope that you grow up loving adventure. That you treasure each person in front of you, and love people humbly and fearlessly. I hope that you find the joy in snail hunting, and laugh with your whole belly. And that you let me snuggle you, even when you’re a teenager. I pray that I can show you beauty in the world, even in the midst of the hard stuff, and am a safe place for you. 

Your Daddy and I are completely smitten with you already, and cannot wait to meet you. But I savor every last day of being pregnant with you...you miracle inside of me, you. I relish feeling every hiccup, twirl, and movement. And I will enjoy every moment of being this close. I love you to the moon and back, peanut. 

Love,

Your Mommy

miracles...

I am at the last stretch of this pregnancy and what an incredible journey it's been. We moved into our new house last weekend, which has been the biggest blessing. We have Elsie's nursery painted, decorated, and clothes all nice and folded.


As the mama nesting mode kicks in with all of the physical stuff, I have been realizing God preparing my heart to be a mom, with each day. As I look back at the last months, my heart fills to the brim as I've fallen in love with this little miracle inside of me, learned deeper parts of the Father's heart for us as I taste only a fraction of that love for my daughter, have fallen deeper in love with my husband every day, and as I've learned so much about myself.


As I ready myself to meet this beautiful little girl, I realize, even more than ever, the weight of being a mother. For the past nine months my body has not been my own, but in days, my life will no longer be my own. Jesus has been refining my heart as I realize how much selfishness He still needs to cleanse me of as I prepare to be a mother after His heart. And the greatest part is, I know it will all be worth it. So very worth it. It's been quite an emotional week, and as hard as some pregnancy side affects make me want to curl up and cry, I remember why I gladly take them all. And why I would do it again a hundred times over for the gift inside of me.




As I trace each stretch mark, I smile with pride because inside of me is a miracle. As I feel every contraction as my body starts practicing to birth, I remember that I am housing a miracle in my womb. As my legs get tired after only minutes of walking up and down stairs, I know that it's because my body is pouring it's strength and love into caring for my baby girl. As I lay awake in the middle of the night, I get to daydream about what this little one is going to be like.


Jeremy and I were talking the other day about how amazing it is how you can love someone so insanely much that you haven't even met yet. And what a miracle it is.


Thank you Jesus for the beautiful family you have entrusted me with. May I remember every day the gorgeous miracle that it is. And you deserve all the glory for it.

36 weeks... Officially full term!

How far along? 36 Weeks

Maternity clothes? Some, but realizing a ton of my pre-maternity stuff works great too!

Stretch marks? Yep - The mark of motherhood and your body being no longer your own. 

Sleep: Sleeping amazing. But it is quite an effort to roll over in bed. 

Best moment this week: Getting to spend the weekend with all of Jeremy siblings. 

Miss Anything? My pride: I can't bend over to pick up really anything anymore. Thank goodness for my husband. 

Movement: So much! Jeremy and I die with laughter as we get so weirded out seeing her move across my entire belly. Or when we see her body parts sticking out of my belly. Love it. 

Food cravings: Pineapple and strawberries! Can't get enough of them. And for a while there I was craving buffalo wings all the time.  

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope.

Gender: Girl 

Labor Signs: Yep, lots of braxton hicks and contractions as my body is getting ready for our little one. 

Symptoms: Besides the massive belly and needing to pee about every 15 minutes, that's about it lately. 

Belly Button in or out? a tiny bit out.

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 

Looking forward to: Moving into our new house next weekend! We're so excited and blessed by this new place, and I can't wait to start nesting and settling in. (Pictures to come soon) Let's hope Elsie Love stays in until we're settled!

Lots of Pregnant mamas at my baby shower!