Family

Photos by the amazing Chelsea Steller

chelseasteller.com

four months

This is a few days late, but I still wanted to document this special day. It's come and gone faster than I could imagine, but we've loved every single day of it. Our Elsie Love is four months old!

I find myself looking out the windows in our room, and prayers of thanksgiving roll off my tongue so much these days. I look at my daughter and my husband and my heart is full, content, and seriously grateful. I am so thankful to an amazing Father for giving us this incredible little four month old gift. Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a mama. I feel like that's my calling. To my own children. To motherless children. And I hope, well into my old age, I can still be an open heart and an open home for children throughout the world.

I catch myself praising God that He's letting me start to live out that heart and calling with Elsie. It is one of the most beautifully stretching things, and so incredibly gratifying.

I can't believe how big she's getting when I see her ever growing little body sprawled across my lap or her crib. This has seriously been the most monumental month for her as she has developed and grown in incredible ways. We've had some huge hurdles crossed with nursing this month, and it is something I am so glad we fought so hard for. (I'll have to write about all that another day.)

Her personality keeps seeping through in the most darling ways. She's been laughing so much and is so incredibly active.

Some facts about Elsie these days ::
She's officially in love with her pediatrician. She weighs 14 1/2 pounds and is 25 inches long.
She can now put anything in her mouth and LOVES doing so. Sophie the giraffe has become her favorite toy.
She sneezes in threes.
She adores the bath. She usually cries every time we take her out, because, no matter how long we let her play in there, it just wasn't long enough.
She found her thumb and sucks it.
She also, for the first time in four months, decided she likes a paci. SO glad I din't give up trying! What a lifesaver.
She's been sleeping more and more in her own bed.
She can push herself up on her tummy and loves tummy time now, and has also started rolling over. It always catches me of guard when she's laying on her tummy next to me, and then I look down seconds later to her face up staring at me with a huge smile.
She will find a screen wherever she is. She has a way of cranking her neck to look at the computer, tv, or phone. Oh no!
And she learned how to speak Latin last week.

insomnia

It's almost one o'clock in the morning, and lately my body has been in the habit of waking me up in the middle of the night... for hours. I don't know if it's the iced coffee I had at Renaud's earlier today, or just a lot on my mind.

I've been secretly loving these moments, though, because I have the whole house to myself (MYSELF...such a strange feeling) while Jeremy and Elsie are ever so darling, tucked away in our bed.  I'm sitting here completely in awe that this is my life. I was looking at Elsie tonight while she slept and LOVE that I get to be her mama. Everyday I'm learning something new. Learning how to be the best mom I can be and offer my daughter everything. In addition to learning to be the best wife I can be, and offering Jeremy my whole heart.

We've been very deliberate lately about setting aside for just the two of us. Elsie sleeps in bed with us right now, which has been one of the funnest things ever (not to mention the ten hours of sleep her and I get a night!). But it also means that we don't just put her down in her crib and get the rest of the night to ourselves. But the last couple weeks, I've been nursing her to sleep in our bed, and sneaking downstairs, where Jeremy and I get dates in the living room together. It usually involves Tiramisu, snuggling on the couch, the Olympics, and long discussions. It's a simple life we lead these days, but I'm drinking in every minute of it.

I can't believe it's been over three months since our darling girl was born. I remember everyone saying cliches like "Soak it up, it goes so quickly", and I would smile and nod... but My Lands....it seriously is flashing before my eyes. I am loving being a family of three. But I told Jeremy the other day how I can't wait to give her siblings. (Don't worry, we're not planning on having another baby for a while!). I absolutely loved being pregnant and can't wait to be again, but we're actually praying about adopting our next little Babe. More on that later.

It's been so humbling learning the ups and downs of parenthood. And still being 'newlyweds', we're also learning so much about loving each other. But, I can honestly say, everyday I keep falling more and more in love with those two. They make this life so beautiful. I guess it's time for me to crawl back in bed with them. Wouldn't trade it for the world!

three months

Today our little Love is three months old. Sometimes I take the long way home just so I can drive by the hospital to remember back on the day she was born. That incredible day, three months ago, has changed our lives in ways we could never know.

We've definitely had our obstacles as we ride the ups and downs of parenting, but it is the most absolutely delightful thing to get to be her parents. I'm listening to her coo and laugh right now, remembering when she was still in the womb and I wondered what she would be like. Here she is. She's ours. And she's perfect. My heart fills to the brim when I look down at her in my arms while she's nursing, or when I spy on Jeremy and her in the other room, as they make each other laugh.

I laugh when strangers see I'm pushing a stroller or wearing a baby under that wrap, and they peak in anxious to see her face. The first response is usually "Oh.... those cheeks!" Yep, she loves her mamas milk and has cheeks for days. The best for kissing. She's growing everyday right before our eyes, and her darling little personality is so fun to see coming through.

Jeremy and I daydream about the adventures we'll get to take her on one day when she's older and all the fun things we'll get to do once she hits certain milestones. I can't wait for those days. But until then, we're loving adventures around our neighborhood for walks, getting to have her sleep in bed with us, watching her first laughs, and having her fit in our arms. We're madly in love with her, and can't imagine life without our Elsie Love.

Some things Elsie loves :: any green plants (she will spot them across the house through the windows and coo at them), being outside, being naked, her Mama's milk, mornings (she smiles and laughs almost instantly after waking up... it's my favorite time of day with her), discovering her hands, sucking on her fist, going to the beach, being tickled, being on her changing table (weird, I know....but the kid loves it) patterns, her Daddy's kisses, sleeping in bed with us, and anyone singer to her, on pitch or not.

We are so grateful to get to be her parents and are loving every minute with her.

Happy Three Months to my sweet girl! xo          

                                                                                                                             

twenty three

It was my birthday yesterday. I'm twenty three.


It's so funny to hear people's reactions to them finding out I'm twenty three and married.....and (gasp!) a mom. I'm realizing how rare it is to be such a young mom here in Santa Barbara, where most people put such an emphasis on the Get your degree-travel the world- and then get established in your career- route. Where you make sure you get years of "You" time and do all the things that you want to do before you get 'tied' down. And then maybe fifteen years later you might want to start having kids. I just smile a proud smile when people react so surprised.


In my twenty three years so far, I have gotten to travel the world: getting to live in Australia, Indonesia, and Africa as well as visit some of the most magical places and meet the most beautiful people. I've gotten to hold Ugandan babies on my hip, drink tea in castles in Ireland, hike through Costa Rican jungle, and ride elephants in Thailand. I was also able to study Early Child Development and Intercultural studies, and have my dream job of teaching little ones all day. I fell in love with the love of my life, and even got to marry him. Falling more madly in love every day and living a life of spontaneity.


So when people give me the "Mom at twenty three-pity smile", I just laugh and think how being a mom is the biggest adventure I've ever been on. I've gotten to do a whole lot in my life, but having my daughter is the thing I'm most proud of. I look back on my last twenty three years with gratefulness and excitement. 


I woke up yesterday to Birthday love all throughout the house, and got to spend the morning cuddling Elsie. My mom came down in the afternoon to watch Elsie, and Jeremy and I got the afternoon just the two of us! We savored sushi and dreamed about all the things we want to do someday. Treated ourselves to frozen yogurt, perfect on a warm sunny afternoon. And walked hand in hand down State Street. I had collected a bunch of clothes from my closet to trade at Crossroads (one of my favorite stores) and traded them in for some fun new pieces.


We came home and took a family nap together, one of my absolute favorite things. Sun drenching in through our windows, warm summer air breezing through, Elsie's little breaths in and out, and my husband's arm wrapped around me. Absolute bliss doing life with my two favorite people. After that, we drove up to the Mesa and took a walk through the cute neighborhoods, daydreaming about how we would build a house for our family. Then we galavanted through the aisles of Lazy Acres, loading up on a delicious organic dinner and met the most sweet eccentric lady. We came home, cuddled up together and talked about one of my presents from Jeremy... he's going to make me raised garden boxes! He sure knows the way to my heart.


I sit back thinking on my life, and wonder at how amazing this last year has been, and look with excitement at the year ahead. And what a beautiful life it is! 

bump bump

When I was pregnant, my dear friend Chelsea Steller did my maternity shoot. It was so special because not only have we been friends since we were little girls, but she also captured our wedding and engagement shoot, and has been so supportive and surrounded us in love in some of our most exciting life moments. It was suiting then, that her and I would galavant around Cold Springs and secret fields and throw together random fabrics to make drapey dresses with. And to celebrate Elsie inside of me. I am late in putting these pictures up, but I think they're even more special to me now... now knowing who my daughter is, and remembering how I wondered what she'd be like and look like when she was still in my womb in these pictures. And how weird it is to look at her now, and remember she was curled up and fit inside of me at one point! Geesh!

 Photos by Chelsea Steller ::  chelseasteller.com

Elsie's Birth Story

April 29th, started like any other normal day. I woke up, looked at my big belly, and got up really fast hoping it would coax my water into breaking. Little did I know....nothing exciting whatsoever would happen that day. 

My whole pregnancy I knew due dates were nothing to set your heart on. Mine was April 23rd, and I was pretty sure I’d go way over that. Sure enough, my due date came and went...and I found myself having to stay very busy to keep distracted every day of the week I went overdue. Thankful for friends who went on adventures with me( and my very large midsection), my husband who kept taking me on dates and walks, and our new house, for it’s crisp white walls that gave me projects to paint while I wasted time. I had no idea “wasting time” would not be something I had the luxury of once our baby girl came. 

: My last day pregnant :

The week after my due date, I tried everything to get things moving along naturally. Long hikes, herbal secrets, and spices galore. And yet, nothing seemed to make a difference. When people found out I was  “past due” they looked at me like the baby was going to fall out at any moment. And I thought, if this is a sign of my daughter’s personality we’re in for a treat. And I can tell you now it was. 

 I woke up Monday, April 30th, exactly a week past my due date, at about seven in the morning, to my first contraction. I lay in bed, relishing the moment, wondering if this was “really it”, because, up until this point, I had had zero signs of impending labor. Jeremy had left early to work at our friend’s ranch that morning, so I hopped in the shower and realized they were definitely coming in a pattern and getting a little bit more intense. Jeremy swung by the house to change before heading into work, but I told him with a big smile “I think we’re having a baby today!”. He hugged me and my big belly tightly and smiled the most proud smile. 

I called my mom to come down from Santa Maria. She, Jeremy, and our Doula were my labor support. At this point my contractions felt like really bad period cramps and I though to myself, “Dang, I must have a really high pain tolerance! I can totally do this naturally. I don’t know what everyone fusses about.” I laugh now, thinking how insanely crazy I was to think that. I had a loooong day of contractions ahead of me!

I labored at home for almost my entire labor. What I loved about it, was that normal life was still going on around me. Jeremy was working from home, my mom was tidying around the house, the neighbors were tinkering away....and I was having a baby. It just felt so natural and normal. I was sitting on the couch, chatting between contractions, and when one would come, I’d fling myself over my birthing ball, and do all the things necessary to get through it. 

I wasn’t going to have my dilation checked because it’s usually never an indicator of how much longer you have, and it can so easily dishearten you. But after an entire day of labor, I asked my doula to come over that afternoon around four and check me. She asked if I wanted to know, and I said yes. I was only at three centimeters. And, of course, your brain kicks into math mode, and I immediately starting calculating how many hours per centimeter it was taking me, and I felt so disheartened! But, in labor, you don’t have time to focus on things for very long. My doula left and said to call her if things turned a corner, and about twenty minutes later Jeremy called and said, “Ummm...I think things turned a corner!”. 

This is when things got crazy. I was making primal noises I didn’t even know I could make. I was in another zone, completely unaware of anything around me. I was completely exhausted. And the contractions, oh the contractions! Jeremy and my mom were incredible at helping me through, getting anything I needed, and encouraging me on. But at this point, I didn’t even feel like myself. Jeremy encouraged me to walk around while leaning on him, knowing everyone said how good that is during contractions, and I begged him not to make me. And of course, once I was up walking, it definitely did help. At one point, we were doing slow laps around the dining room table, and Jeremy said, “Just lean on me, babe”...and out of no where he breaks into song singing Lean on Me, and the entire time I’m thinking is this really happening right now?! Why won’t he shut up. Ok, just let him get through the song. And as he finished, I breathed in a sigh of relief, only to hear him breaking into another song! I looked up at him, through exhausted eyes...and told him to Shutup...now! I thought I said it somewhat politely...but I guess most women aren’t as polite as they think they are during labor. 

My doula checked my cervix after I had “turned the corner” and was now in active labor and she told me I was a four five, progressing beautifully. Jeremy continued to encourage me, embrace me, wipe my forehead.... and he even brought down some of Elsie’s little dresses and hung them through the living room so I could visualize and remember why I was laboring so hard. 

Then....I had to push. Like crazy, nothing-can-hold-me-back need to push! I yelled that to Jeremy and Ronda (my amazing doula) and they looked at me in disbelief because she had only checked me fifteen minutes before. There was no way I had progressed that far. She asked me if I was sure I needed to push, and I yelled YES! She checked me again and I had progressed to a six cm in fifteen minutes. She looked up at Jeremy and very calmly told him we needed to go the hospital....now. She also told me I had to do everything I could to not push in the car. Which is practically impossible. 

Th rest is kind of a huge blur. I remember driving quickly to the hospital, and it had just started raining. We got married in the rain, and I had always hoped Elsie would be born in the rain. We pulled up to the hospital, and one look at me, and they knew there wasn’t time for paperwork or anything. They threw me in a wheelchair and rushed me up to a room. Once up there, the amazing nurses checked me, and I was already at a nine centimeters! Within twenty minutes I’d gone from six centimeters to nine! They didn’t have time for an IV or anything. I was pushing that baby out!

Thankfully they let Jeremy and I go into the birthing tub, which was incredible relief as I continued to push. It absolutely amazed me that my body knew exactly what to do to birth my baby. I wasn’t even thinking, I was just surrendering to what my body was doing and what God made it to do. I felt so calm in the midst of all the craziness. Jeremy let me grab onto his forearms as I squatted and continued pushing, noises coming out of my mouth that I’d never heard before, and my face probably looking like it was going to explode. At one point I said, “ I hope she comes out black!” Which, if you know me, would make sense. 

Then it happened, laying on the bed now (not how had I wanted to deliver), her head started coming out. It was the most surreal thing ever to see in the mirror they rolled over... my daughter’s head, as she tried to make her way into the world. And it was the most amazing thing, as if her and I were in this beautiful partnership, working together for her to come meet us. After two hours of pushing, and absolutely no medical intervention, Elsie Love Sutherland came into the world, and stole our hearts from the minute she took her first breathe. She was born at 11:20pm on April 30th. Forty minutes later and she would have been born in May. She knew what she wanted. 

Seven pounds five ounces of delight. We did it! I have never felt so proud and empowered. I felt like I could do anything. Because of all the natural adrenaline, endorphins, and oxytocin... it felt like an out of body experience. I remember looking at Elsie and being in shock that she was my daughter. I loved it. Being a mama has been the most beautifully hard, rewarding, refining thing of my life. And I wouldn’t trade a second of it. God has drenched us in joy and grace as we have become a family of three and are learning to be good parents. I am so grateful for such an incredible husband, who was my rock, encouraged me, was patient with me... and well, kind of helped make our baby! I’m grateful for my mom who so peacefully knew just how to help. And I’m grateful for my dear doula and all the nursing staff at the hospital. They kept telling me I was a rockstar and supported me in my decision for a natural birth and never pushed anything on me. I’m thankful to God for blessing us with the most amazing little girl. And I’m thankful for Elsie, for showing me a love I’ve never known before.