Posie's Birth Story

(My last day pregnant)

September 27th has easily become one of the best days of my life. Obviously, besides marrying Jeremy, and giving birth to Elsie. It seems so hard to write down such an incredible experience, but I want to remember all of the details. Posie was ‘due’ September 21st, but because Elsie was a week late, I expected the same thing this time around. It was an amazingly sweet summer in the last stretch of pregnancy, as I soaked up every single last drop of Elsie being our only child. I anticipated Posie’s arrival, but was in no hurry for her to come. The weekend of my due date I started having contractions/Braxton Hicks and had a full on meltdown to Jeremy telling him I wasn’t ready for two kids, and definitely not ready to go into labor again. I bawled and panicked (It’s funny how contractions start up and all of the sudden you remember, all too well, what labor feel like). 

The next day, I talked to my doula, and to another amazing friend who is also a doula. They both encouraged me, reminding me that we have prayed for and longed for this sweet girl to come. And, that I am capable and strong. My body was made for this. I started shifting my thinking from the fear of this giant thing ahead, to trusting an incredible God who would, not only give me the strength to birth our daughter, but also to be able to have the strength to get through the giant transition of having two kids. So, the next week ended up being incredible. We did lots of fun things, and I’m so thankful for the awesome friends who kept us distracted each day. The day before I went into labor, Jeremy and I had a date night planned, and as we were dropping Elsie off at our friends, I started having contractions. All I cared about was NOT going into full blown labor before our date night, because dates are rare these days (can I get an amen?!). We had an awesome night out and my contractions started getting timeable and steady before bed. So, I took a shower and tried to get some sleep, knowing that I had a long day ahead of me. Well, as I slept, my contractions completely tapered off, and by the morning they were all gone. I was determined to enjoy that day not being in labor, and prayed that the contractions actually did something. 

That day (Saturday) was the only day that week that we didn’t have plans, and we had a fun, laid back day as a family at home. That whole afternoon I just felt ‘off’ and slightly nauseous. At 3:30 I started getting the same type of contractions as the night before but I was convinced they would just taper off again. Jeremy and Elsie were working on a project in the garage, so I decided not to even tell him and just see where it went. I took a shower and walked around upstairs thinking it might be the real deal, but that I still had a long road ahead. My labor with Elsie was sixteen hours, so I thought “Second kid, maybe it’‘ll drop down to ten or eleven hours?”. An hour after they started, I came downstairs and told Jeremy I thought that it was the real thing and we both gave each other the same nervous, excited look we did when I had Elsie. He encouraged me to call my mom to come down and pick Elsie up. I called her, but didn’t want to have her come all the way down for them to taper off. So I was really nonchalant about it, and told her to come down when she could, and we could at least have dinner together and hang out if nothing happened. Because I was still in denial it was happening, she went and got her oil changed, packed, and took her time because I still thought I had a while to go. 

But things just kept progressing. Jeremy asked me when we should go to the hospital, and I told him once I seemed drugged out during contractions and wasn’t talking, just recovering between contractions then we should head over. I labored as long as I could at home when I had Elsie, and I wanted the same thing this time. But, even though the contractions were getting more intense and powerful, I was still joking and talking between them and was seriously in denial that I was progressing so quickly. I knew walking was so good, but it was THE last thing I wanted to do when I labored with Elsie, so this time I knew I just had to do it, no matter how painful it was. Jeremy called my doula around 6:30 and I did laps (waddling) from my front door to the back door while Jeremy and Elsie ate dinner and watched a movie. I love how normal it was that I was in labor. There was such a comfort in the fact that I could hear my neighbors clanking around in the backyard, and normal life was going on all around me....and I was just having a baby. 

Elsie was so sweet as she saw me go through some contractions, and said ‘Mama have an owie....but she so happy? Me pray for you.’ It melted me and reminded me how she would comfort me when I was so sick in the beginning of pregnancy. Something that I loved so much about birth this time was that I was so much more present than the first time. I felt everything intensely, but there was this crazy serenity in it all. Whereas, the first time, I was just trying to get through it. This time I really embraced it all. My doula came over around 7 and my mom got here at the same time to get Elsie. Ronda (my doula) just sat back quietly and watched me get through some contractions (to kind of gage what stage I was in) and asked if she could check me. I told her yes, only because I didn’t want to go to the hospital earlier than I needed to. I was still convinced I had a while to go. 

She checked me and I was dilated to a 7 with bulging waters and she looked at me so sweetly and calmly and said ‘If we don’t go to the hospital right now, you’re going to have this baby at home.’ Jeremy scrambled to pack his bag (and took a shower and shaved his beard, little stinker), and we drove to the hospital. It was one of those crazy time-stood-still moments as we drove over. I remember the exact streets we drove down and people coming out of which houses, as I had this nervous excitement at how my world was about to change. We arrived at the hospital and walked up to my room, and  once we got there my nurse gave my doula a giant hug! They knew each other from church, and this was a huge relief for me, because, so often, there can be tension in the delivery room between doulas and nurses. In that moment, I totally relaxed and felt like it was exactly the tone I had hoped for in the delivery room. 

Can I just say that my nurses were INCREDIBLE! We are so spoiled at Cottage Hospital with the best of the best. They championed for me the entire time and came alongside of me. They let me labor exactly how I wanted, and never discouraged me. We arrived at the 7:30pm and I basically just walked around the labor room, totally in the zone. I went through transition and didn’t realize it. Again, the only word I can use to describe labor this time was ‘present’. I was so aware of it all. Crazy pain and all, it felt so real, but empowering. I walked and walked, would get a contraction, and lean against whatever was close, usually Jeremy or the bed. My nurse even let me try to put in an IV port while I walked around and then waited for me to have a break, and tried while I rested over the side of the bed (I declined an IV, but they usually always want you to at least have a port in at the hospital if anything happens and you need it). Things progressed quickly, and she ended up not being able to get it in, so we just skipped it. Posie was on her way! My nurse and my doula knew exactly what I needed in each moment; when to ask questions, when to let me be by myself, when to rub my back. I’m so grateful for the awesome team that I had. 

My friend who’s a L & D delivery nurse saw that we were there that night and asked to be switched to our room, so she was there helping while I pushed and she was also there when I had Elsie. It was so awesome to have her both times, and she was an amazing part of the team. I started pushing around 7:45 and was able to walk around for a lot of that, which was the absolute best because getting on the bed was THE worst. Finally at the very end, they had me get up on the bed and after a few pushes (maybe 20 minutes) Posie started coming. The on call doctor made it just in time, and I remember being so grateful for how they let me push on my own. They knew my body knew what to do, and let me do my thing. The last push before she came out, I just laid and recovered and caught my breath for what felt like a few minutes. And the whole room went silent. No one pressured me to keep pushing, they let me recover before the last big hurrah. I’m so incredibly grateful for that moment. 

Posie came out at 8:36 and they put her right up on my chest. Elsie had meconium in my water and her heart rate started decelling (turns out her cord was wrapped tightly three times), so they had the NICU team there when she came. Because of that we didn’t get things like skin and skin right away, and Jeremy didn’t get to cut the cord. It’s little things like that this time that I felt so incredibly grateful for. After I had Elsie (also naturally), it was an out of body experience, but in a really surreal way. Like I wasn’t really there. I was so weak and drained. This time I felt like I had the biggest oxitocyn rush of my life. I seriously felt like I could run a marathon. It was incredible. Posie started nursing right away and we were just smitten. And, it was so cool because my friend (who we shared a doula with) went into labor the same night, and we ended up being in L & D rooms right next to each other! So our doula was able to help them as she went into her room as I was being wheeled out. So awesome!

Now, Posie’s two months old and cuddling up on my chest right now. She is such a different baby than Elsie, and we’re having so much fun getting to know her. She nurses like a champ, and breastfeeding has been such a dream this time (let’s just say last time I had mastitis five times, antibiotic shots everyday, and finally ended up at a breast cancer surgeon with the biggest abcess they had ever seen). I’m so grateful for how much easier recovery and nursing has been. I learned a lot the first time around, and knew this time how to do things differently. Can I just say how heavenly lavender oil and epsom salt sitz baths are for recovery! And, because nursing has been so much easier, we’ve been able to get out of the house so much more. Whenever I felt a twinge of baby blues, we’d hop in the car and watch the sunset at the beach. It’s amazing how getting outside can help postpartum hormones. 

It’s also amazing how much your heart can love a little one, and how God gives you just as much love the second time around. And, it’s crazy how I keep falling deeper in love with Jeremy and Elsie through it all. I’m so grateful for two amazing, darling daughters and that we are a family of four! Jeremy has loved me and supported me more than I could even imagine. It hasn’t been easy, by any means, but God’s grace has totally been over this transition and His goodness over all of us. We love you Posie Archer! We’re so glad that you’re ours. 

(Above picture by Kim Koop)

cravings meets kitchen

Because I'm pregnant and love food, here's some things we've been making and eating this week (recipes included)...

Cast Iron Bacon and Heirloom Tomato Fritatta

Preheat oven to 375 and spray your cast iron with coconut oil. In a separate bowl, mix together a dozen eggs, crumbled bacon (I had already cooked it in the same cast iron beforehand), sharp cheddar cheese shredded, and season with cayenne pepper. Pour into cast iron pan and par bake for about 20 minutes. Pull it out and add sliced heirloom tomatoes to the top, and continue to bake for another 15 minutes, or until cooked through. Sprinkle with sea salt and garnish with fresh green onion (we always have a bunch in our garden and I swear it tastes even that much better). My man ate almost the entire thing after a weekend in the mountains. 

'Acai' Bowls

Ours don't actually have Acai in it, but it's the same idea. Blend 1 cup frozen berries, 1 cup frozen pineapple, and 1 cup water together (you want it thick, so you're going to have to work at blending it without watering it down too much). Pour in a bowl and top with granola, fresh fruit (we've been loving strawberries, peaches, and bananas), unsweetened coconut, almonds, and drizzle with honey. The baby likes it too, because she dances up a storm in my belly after I eat it. 

 Homemade Rosemary Focaccia 

One of my favorite things to get at Fresco's is the BLT on their homemade focaccia, and after some friends told us that they make their own focaccia, I felt inspired. Here's a recipe I got from italktofood.com for the bread. And you bet we made BLT's on it and ate it at our church's picnic service in the park last week. 

1 cup water

2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast

2 tbsp sugar

¼ cup olive oil

1 tbsp salt

3 ¼ cup flour

Directions:

1. Combine warm water, yeast and sugar in a bowl let rest for 5 minutes.

2. With your hands, or Kitchen Aid with a dough hook, incorporate the flour, olive oil and salt.

3. Knead for about 8-10 minutes until your arms are sore...haha until it forms a lovely ball.

4. Cover in a little oil, place in a large bowl and cover.

5. Let rest/rise for 45 minutes.

6. Remove ball from bowl and place on a greased cookie sheet.

7. Poke the dough around to form a square shape.

8. Use your fingers to push down the dough.

9.  Drizzle with olive oil and grey salt or sea salt

10. Cover the dough with plastic wrap and let rest for 15 minutes.

11. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.

12. If it isn't golden brown, broil it for ONLY A FEW SECONDS.

13. Slice into 4 squares and then in half

Cruciferous Crunch Salad

Chopped kale, brussels sprouts, broccoli, green and red cabbage (all cut up in a bag from the beloved Trader Joe's), and I added herb crumbled feta, diced cherry heirloom tomatoes, and a homemade balsamic glaze. Heck to the yes. Easy, light, and hits the spot every time. 

Baked Honey Glazed Peaches with Vanilla Bean Ice Cream

 We've obviously been gobbling up as much stone fruit as we can while it's in season, and last night I sent Jeremy to grab some vanilla bean ice cream while I baked some peaches that I cut in half and drizzled with honey and cinnamon at 375 for about 25 minutes. Top with vanilla bean ice cream and more cinnamon (which, p.s. that combo tastes like amazing horchata) and enjoy!

stripping it down

Our hearts have been aching for more simplicity.

And yet, the dichotomy of where we live, here in Santa Barbara, seems to be a constant game of catch up, where affluence seeps around every corner. Where people work hard, pay a lot to live in a little house, have no retirement, no plans of buying a home, and just try to 'make it' here. 

We're in this weird limbo of forsaking the 'American Dream' (which has never really appealed to us anyway) and being willing to follow God, wherever that may be... very possibly East Africa. And yet, also this realization that as we grow our family there is something comforting in the thought of moving to the mountains of Colorado, building a cabin, and watching our kids play in the creek while we hang  laundry on the line. With a home to call ours, a little fund that we can grow old with as we enjoy life, and not have to work into our old age. How is it that my heart heart can long for both?

We have absolutely no idea what God has next for our little family. And it's this scary, exhilarating, amazingly peaceful thing as Jeremy and I press into the Lord more than ever. Especially in the beautiful unknown. We've been up late talking, daydreaming, and journalling about ideas whirling through our heads and vision in our hearts. We're in a place of complete openness, in a newer sense than ever before. Something is brewing, and we're just waiting on the Lord to see what it is. But until we know, the things happening in the simple days right now are being soaked up and cherished by us. 

Exodus 14:21 

'The Lord caused the sea to go back... all that night,'

'In this verse there is a comforting message showing how God works in the dark. The real work of God for the children of Isreal, was not when they awakened and found that they could get over the Red Sea; but it was 'All that night".'  - Streams in the Desert

Jeremy and I take so much comfort in knowing that in this major unknown for us, God is still moving. In the night, in the mystery, He is doing things and we wait in expectation. 

And in the waiting, we are ready for more simplicity. We have been prepared for this massive life change if we move to Africa. But, I think we forget the small changes towards simple living, and ultimately more fulfilled living, that we can choose right now. 

We live in a tiny little home, and we kind of love it that way. It makes us go outside often, and half of our living is done outside of the house. Out of necessity (otherwise we'd go stir crazy in our little space) but, also because this is how we like it. We would rather have the tiniest kitchen and BBQ at the beach or set up a picnic after a hike. We love that Elsie is covered in sand, or dirt, or even poison oak most days, and that she completely comes alive in nature. Jeremy rides his bike to work, and we walk downtown for as many errands as we can. We've been trying to be more intentional about filling our time creatively once it gets dark. That's when it's easy for us to just zone out on the couch. But, we've been trying to work on projects in the garage, write more, read for absolute fun, watch documentaries, and something we've loved doing for the last year or so is our 'date night-in' once a week. 

What does it look like for our little family to have a lose grip on the things of this world? What does it look like for us to enjoy each other more? What does it look like when we open our hearts and hands for more of Jesus in the mundane?

God is Satisfaction

Oh, Elsie Love....

You are magical. What a little lady you're becoming, as you fit into the spirit in you we've seen since you were a baby. We've always known you'd be tenacious. Your love for making most things hilariously difficult for us started from the day you were born. You have a stubbornness about you, which I'm sorry to say came from... both of us. But you've always had this delicate sweetness and your outgoing personality melts anyone. As you've gotten older, and more recently, I've been blown away by your compassion showing through and how you love to love. I see it in the little things you do like all those mornings I was sick and hunched over the toilet (with your new sibling). You would rush over and brush my hair out of my face, and rub my back and then run back with a blanket to cover me with. Or in the way you look into your Daddy's eyes and rub his cheeks. Or how you rush over to help me clean a spill or kiss your friend's 'owie'. It's in moments like those that I see Jesus in you. And I couldn't be more proud.

Your name 'Elsie' is from the Hebrew word which means 'God is satisfaction'. Yes, and amen. God has shown me His fulfillment and satisfaction in incredible ways since having you. He has met me in my deep vulnerability and has satisfied my heart. He's turned my wanderlust into being so completely fulfilled and grateful with the simple and beautiful life He's given me right here through motherhood. And now, watching your eyes water while you sing is one of the most exhilarating parts of my day.  I pray that God becomes your satisfaction. It amazes me how much your little heart is soaking up about Jesus already. In the middle of the night if you wake with a bad dream or need us, all it takes is me going in and praying over you out loud and you fall asleep instantly. In the sweet love of the Father.

I'm not sure you'll ever know, but one day I hope you do, how much you have shown me new depths of Christ's heart. I feel so grateful how He loves us so deeply and takes care of us. And I am so grateful that we get to take care of you.

> > >

Right now you're really into tea parties. You take great pride in intricately setting up the dishes and always pat next to you for me to sit by your side. You already rub and kiss my belly and I can't wait to see you as a big sister. And dancing! Oh, the dancing. You grab the remote and beg me turn on "muce', your word music, and you push the coffee table out of the way, grab whatever accessory you can find to put on, and start twirling and dancing through the living room. And it may just be one of the cutest things I've ever seen. You have a pretty amazing dad, because he doesn't hesitate for a second to jump right in with you and try to plie. Aaaand then it turns into you guys shaking your booties and all class has left the room. I do have to say that you got the African moves I've always wanted my child to have. Again, proud mama over here.

Whenever we go on walks it usually takes us an hour longer because you have to stop for everything. You smell every flower, wave hello to every person (even the guy selling drugs we walked past...yeah, that really happened), and collect every rock and cigarette butt possible. But we're trying to break you of the cigarette butt habit. Even though our walks feel more like city treks, we love laughing at you explore.

I can't believe you'll be two next month. I mean, how does that even happen?! I'm enjoying every day of you so far Elsie Sutherland.

Love,
Mama

>>> first birthday

My darling Elsie,

Today is your first birthday. I snuggled you extra long last night before bed, realizing you wouldn't be a baby when you woke up. I can't believe it's really been a whole year since you were born. I took you to our old house today and showed you where I labored at home with you, and wondered just what you'd be like. We drove by the hospital and a flood of nostalgia and joy came over me as I thought about the first moment I held you and kissed you. I worked hard for you, sweetheart, and you were worth it all.

That day, a year ago, started a whole new life for us. A life I never dreamed could be so good. I watched you at your birthday party the other day and was in awe that you're mine. You, full of sweetness, tenacity, and joy, are all ours! It has been a complete joy being your mama. You have showed me how a love deeper than I've ever known. I just love doing life with you!

I know I always say it, but getting to watch your personality unfold, and to see you become a little lady has been so fun. You're crawling like crazy, but are taking your sweet time learning to walk. You adore being outside and even more if there are animals out there. I'm waiting for the day you somehow talk us into getting you a kitten. I could watch you play outside for hours, as you point to everything and observe every little blade of grass, and taste anything you can. Whenever you hear a bird or a plane you point at it and look at me as if saying "Mom did you see that too?!"Your first words where, "Oh Yeah". I'm not even kidding. And it still cracks us up every time you say it. You love playing with older kids, and your Daddy is the apple of your eye. I melt watching the two of you together.

We had your dedication this last weekend and I beamed with pride as we prayed over you and dedicated your life to the Lord. I pray that you fall in love with Jesus from a young age and grow in his tenacious love for you. I pray that you have a heart to love and bless others, and will help make the world more beautiful, as you reach out your hands to help those in need. I pray that you always keep your sense of wonder at the beauty around you, and that you pull that beauty out of people. Showing them the way God sees them. And, I pray that you see yourself the way that God sees you.

This year, I can't wait to travel with you, to blow even more hundreds of bubbles in the backyard, to giggle at the waves on the beach, and keep snuggling before bed. I'm excited to start watching you walk and eventually twirl and eventually dance. I can't even wait to hear what your little voice sounds like when you sing. And I'm so excited to watch you be a big sister, one day. But for now, I'm soaking up every day with you because it is perfection.

You're Daddy and I love you so much, sweet girl.
xo

{Photo by your amazing Auntie Kimmy :: Kim Koop Photography}

january letter

To my girl,

You are eight and a half months old and I keep falling deeper in love with you and adoring you even more, if that's even possible. I beam with pride as your dad and I watch new facets of your personality seep through and you gain more independence. What a fun age this is! You are a little social butterfly. You let anyone hold you, stranger or friend. The other day we were in the store and this sweet old lady came up and was gushing over you. She put her hand on your cheek and smiled at you. Without missing a beat, you placed your chubby little hand on her weathered cheek and you both just stood there smiling at each other for what felt like minutes, not needing to say anything. I feel like that sums you up so well. My sweet little spirit, always showing people your joy.

You're in such an age of discovery... and the fact that you're crawling definitely helps as you discover more. You're favorite thing lately is getting your hands on anything in the cabinets and whatever you can pull off of shelves. I'm pretty much constantly chasing you around. But, oh, does it make me happy when you find a book and squeal with delight as you turn each page carefully looking at what's on it. It's one of the the few things that will make you stop what you're doing and sit still. That's pretty rare these days. Although I did walk downstairs yesterday morning, and you and your Grandma had been sitting outside for about a half an hour, just staring at the rain... perfectly content. That's my girl. Your daddy and I got engaged in the rain, we were married outside in the rain, and you were born on a rainy day. It's my absolute favorite, and I love that you love it too.

It's been quite an interesting month, as you are doing more on your own. I know it would seem like that would make my life easier, but it really has only made it harder. You got so excited with crawling and pulling yourself up onto everything, that you decided to stop nursing, eating food, and napping during the day, and let's just say you're giving your mama a run for my money. It's changed the whole dynamic of what life looks like. Sometimes I daydream about the days when you'd nap on me for hours, or even play contently by my feet all afternoon, and I think how different it is now. But then, I watch you squeal with delight as you watched the flamingoes at the zoo for the first time, or as you taste food off of the table that we're eating. And I remember that every season with you is beautiful and challenging in different ways. I'm soaking up every day. The good and the ugly.


Your dad and I went on a date the other night and daydreamed about this summer and all the fun things we're going to do as a family. We can't wait for more family hikes, roadtrips, beach days, and are dying to take you on your first camping trip! Your one year birthday is just around the corner, and I need you to do me a favor. Just stop growing up, ok?! I need you to be my baby forever.

I love you more than you'll know, sweet girl. Being your mama is the best thing I've ever done.
xo

Letter to Elsie

(by Chelsea Steller)

My sweet girl, you are five months old.

A part of me feels like it was just yesterday that we brought you home so excited to show you to the world, and another part of me feels like you've been a part of me all along. Being your Mama is one of the biggest joys I've ever had. Waking up to your darling rosebud lips and sleepy stretches melts my heart as I remember hearing cliches like "I just want to wake them up so I can play with them". Now I totally get it. Time with you is like honey and I can't get enough.

Some of my favorite things about watching you grow up this last month have been hearing you giggle across the house and watching you discover your toes. I love that you're big enough for me to wear you on my hip and for your Daddy to carry you on his shoulders. You LOVE anything crazy. Being bounced as high as we can go on the bouncy ball, flying on my feet, your dad swinging you around the  room... and you instantly burst out laughing. We can already see your adventurous spirit and we're so proud!

You also had your first road trip this month to meet your new baby cousin and you did amazing on the road. It was a big step for us to see how you would do, and it made us excited to start doing even longer ones. You absolutely love being "worn" in a sling or carrier and I soak up every minute of having you close. I love getting to see you explore the world and to be at eye level with you as you discover.

Your tenaciousness is already so apparent and yet your sweet spirit and "go-with-the-flow" personality make everyday with you so fun. I love being your mama, sweet girl. It stretches me like nothing I've ever known, but it's straight from God that He gives me what I need to love you and nurture you to the best of my ability. It's the best job I could dream of. And you're Daddy is doing such an incredible job too. I would watch him with other kids when we were dating and married and would daydream about seeing him with our kids. And seeing the way he loves and adores you is better than anything I could have imagined. Elsie Love, we are so glad you're ours and are loving watch you grow up!

Photos by Chelsea Steller
chelseasteller.com